At least in my head. Or maybe it was my heart. Either way everything feels different. Ever since Ryan has passed, everything that followed has grabbed my body and thrown me around. Things that didn’t mean anything have value. Things that had value have lost it. I felt like my world has been turned upside-down and the only constant thing I have is myself. When I pause and reflect I know that the complete opposite of that is true; that I have friends, family, food, water, shelter, comforts, etc and that very little is changing. It is just that I have lost a dear friend, a best friend, and since then I’ve been moving so much slower. Continue reading →

Nothing in my life could have prepared me for walking into his room, and yet when I put on the gloves and robe to walk in the room, I saw him and knew what I wanted to say.

Ryan and I were so close in junior high, that his leaving felt like it tore a hole inside. I knew that he didn’t know where he was or where he was going, but we all wanted to him to know we were hoping and praying. We touched base off and on for the next three years, catching up slowly and putting the pieces together, until he finally came home three weeks ago and we had the chance to catch up. I drove to his Capitol Hill apartment to pick him up and we hit up Jai Thai for a snack and a place to sit. The next hour was so full of life and laughter that I forgot where we were or what we were doing. All that mattered was that I had my friend back, and he was ready to enter the world again. Continue reading →